Singin' The Baby Blues

4 Months

It's Springtime in Vancouver. The cherry blossoms and magnolias are exploding, strangers are smiling in the streets instead of hiding behind umbrellas and Taiga jackets, and for the first time since Jonah was born I'm starting to feel myself again.

This winter has not been easy. Being a new Mom is difficult in ways I never expected. To top it all off, I've been struggling with what most new Moms  struggle with to some extent, exacerbated by what is traditionally the longest rainy period in Vancouver-- January to March.

I've been struggling with the baby blues.

I have a pretty serious history of clinical depression. Diagnosed when I was 16 and medicated with Zoloft (a SRI drug which doctors won't prescribe now to anyone under the age of 18),  I finally recovered in my early twenties with mucho therapy, meditation, yoga, and support from my amazing family and friends. I haven't needed SRIs since.

Depression is no joke. I'm still afraid that I'll wake up one morning struggling to find a reason to get out of bed. I was especially afraid when I found out I was pregnant.

First let's talk about how common this illness is.  Most women suffer depression after giving birth. The Canadian Mental Health association estimate that around 80% of mother's experience postpartum blues to some degree, ranging from feeling low for a few weeks, to a more prolonged depression, to full blown psychosis. No-one knows what causes it, but caregivers assert it can be caused by anything from hormonal changes, to vitamin deficiency, to sleep deprivation and emotional stress. 

In the beginning, full blown postpartum depression can look like the normal baby blues. They share many symptoms, including mood swings, crying jags, sadness, insomnia, and irritability. The difference with postpartum depression is that the symptoms last longer and are more severe, like having suicidal thoughts or feeling so low that you can't care for your newborn.

For me it crept up like a sneaky cold. One minute I'm fine, the next minute all I want to do is sleep. I dreamed about running off to Bali and joining a yoga cult in the hope that with enough sun salutations and colonics that everybody and everything would go away and my body and life would return to normal. As much as I love and am eternally grateful for my healthy beautiful son, I just couldn't muster up the joy some days.

There have been a few key issues for me:

1) Isolation. If you don't have a baby, you are probably not so interested in babies. That's OK. Before I became pregnant, I didn't give a shit about babies either.  Sometimes it takes a while to make additional baby loving friends who want to talk about fascinating things like the colour of poo for hours on end. Until that time, don't be surprised if you feel a bit foresaken. It won't last long. New Moms are like shitty ex boyfiends. They're everywhere. 

2) Loneliness. Swaying in a dark room for hours every day with a crying baby can get lonely. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

3) Grief. Now this one really surprised me.  Before I had a baby, my days were jam packed. I worked my way through two degrees, practiced yoga, meditated, rode my bike, partied, ate at fancy restaurants, traveled, and did all the other fun stuff hip kids in their early thirties do.  Once the reality of being a Mom settled in, I bloody well missed those days. It has been a grieving process to let go of the freedom I used to enjoy. In hindsight there is a real Zen to being a Mom. The monotony coupled with the overwhelming sense of love and duty can be meditative and expansive if (and it's a big if)  you stay present to the experience. Doing 'nothing' is a gift that kids do effortlessly. As adults we need to relearn how to stare with wonder at dust particles in the sunlight. It's a worthy lesson.

4) Boredom. Changing diapers, singing nursery rhymes, talking to yourself, keeping the same routine most days... it can be really fucking boring. There. I said it.

5) Guilt. Oh the guilt. I wanted this baby! He's rad and I love him, so why do I sometimes feel isolated, lonely, sad and bored? I must be a really shitty mother, right? 

Wrong.

The first three months of motherhood are some of the most wonderful times you will ever experience, but they can also be extremely TOUGH, both physically and mentally. Don't be surprised if you question everything. Who you are, what you want, why the hell you had a baby in the first place.

I wholeheartedly believe that this is part of the process. It's accepting that your life has changed in ways you never expected, and allowing yourself to let go of the things you miss. Like riding your bike in the sun with no agenda and no place to go. Like sleeping in till noon and then fucking around on the internet all day until you fall asleep again. Like drinking three cups of coffee and writing 'till the sun comes up. Like not talking to anybody for a whole day. Like getting shitfaced wasted.

Missing these things does not mean you're a bad Mom and it does not mean that you don't love your baby. It just means that you're human, and that you actually have a life to return to once your fleeting, precious baby years are over. 

This is a good thing.

After hearing other women's stories, my experience with the baby blues has been relatively mild.  I only felt bad for a few weeks. Now the difficult days come and go, but they are few and far between. I never once had the urge to throw my baby out the window, which another friend seriously told me that she'd considered. Not that she'd do it, but the urge was there and the guilt that followed. I totally get it. It's just plain luck that it never got that bad for me.

And yet it's really been a struggle to remember myself, and find the eye of the storm where I can exist as a silent, unmoving force for this not-yet-quite-human thing that relies on me and only me for everything. There is something very beautiful and surprising in this vulnerability, both for me and my baby. Together I think we've come to a quiet understanding that nothing worth having in life can be accomplished without sacrificing something else.

Surprisingly enough, seeing my son put his foot in his mouth for the first time today, and the onslaught of smiles and giggles that ensued, was well worth any perceived sacrifice I've made. I can't imagine how I'll feel when he pops his first tooth, or starts to talk. 

A hell of a lot better than getting shitface wasted that's for sure. 

Sleep: A Hero's Journey

17 Weeks


PARENTAL ADVISORY: THIS BLOG ENTRY WILL BE EXTREMELY BORING FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A SCREAMY TIRED BABY.

 

When I was pregnant, I read this article about a tribe in Africa who carry their young and feed them the boob close to a hundred times a day. Apparently their babies rarely cry.

My pre-Mom self liked the sound of this. We are mammals after all. Carrying our young is natural. It makes perfect sense. I wanted to be just like those Moms in Africa-- never let my baby cry, snuggle closely to it day and night, give myself completely to the sacred experience of motherhood.

Then I actually had a baby.

After 3 months of carrying and co-sleeping, rather than feeling connected to my non-crying baby I was exhausted and teary.

My baby still cried for no apparent reason.

We had no rhythm to our lives. My days and nights were dictated by the whims of a cute little screamy monkey that didn't seem to know what the fuck it wanted, especially when it came to going to bed.

The fact of the matter is that babies sleep differently than adults. Babies spend significantly more time in dream sleep than we do. This means they sleep lightly, are easily woken up, and when they do wake up they struggle to get back to sleep again.

Add to that the fact that no-one ever told them that night time is for sleeping and daytime is for playing but sometimes sleeping-- it's no wonder they're a tad confused.

Soooooo... unless you're happy with your life being chaos for a year or so, or driving your baby around in a car four times a day because it's the only place it will pass out, or sleeping with your baby until it decides to sleep elsewhere-- all great options if they work for you-- you're going to have to teach your kid how to sleep.

The upside to this is that while babies are useless at sleeping, they are also extremely smart and brave.

When I started writing this post, my baby was 15 weeks old. Barring growth spurts, he slept through the night in a crib next to the bed from 7pm to 7am with one or two wakings for feeding. He went straight back down without a fuss. During the day he had 3 naps, one long one (between 1 hour and 20 minutes and 2 hours) in the morning and one in the afternoon, and then a cat nap between 4 and 5.

It wasn't always like this. He used to wake every 3 hours, and flat out refused to nap in his crib during the day. I used to have to rock, sway, shush, pat and sing to him to get him down. It took us both a lot of time and patience to learn the ropes, but I truly believe that we are all happier and healthier because of it. Especially me.

There is no self doubt like the self doubt of a new Mom hovering over a screaming tired baby...

NIGHT TIME

Our boob juice contains hormones at night that make it easier for baby to fall asleep and stay asleep. It's therefore generally easier to teach your kid to sleep at night than it is in the day.

For the first month my baby slept in a co-sleeper bassinet in between me and my husband. It was awesome. I kept nighttime feedings and diaper changes quiet, dark and boring with the hopes that he would go back to sleep without too much fuss. It worked about 50% of the time. He was up every few hours to feed, and when he didn't go back to sleep it was scream city, with mucho white noise, swaddling and swaying to help him chill out.

At one month I put him in a crib next to my side of the bed because he was getting too big for the bassinet.  I started a bedtime routine around the same time. For us it was boob, sponge bath in dim light, pajamas, swaddle, other boob in a darkened room with white noise, bed. I did this every night at 7pm.

In the beginning, baby didn't know what the hell was going on. I'd sponge bath him, he'd be like... LET'S PARTY! Then he'd be up for another hour or so getting overtired and wired, then we'd spend a while longer in a dark room rocking and shushing him before he'd finally pass out.

I stayed consistent though, and eventually he got it. I like to think that the consistent routine, as well as sleeping so closely to us, literally inches from my face, helped him learn our circadian rhythms relatively quickly.

One night at about 10 weeks I'd been swaying in a darkened room while he screamed in my ear for 10 minutes. I was ready to throw him out the window (kidding!) so I gently placed him in the crib to give myself a break. Miraculously he became quiet and fell asleep. He's been able to fall asleep on his own (at night) ever since. We stopped swaddling at around this time because he was busting out of his sleep sack, but we still used white noise.

Around the 12 week mark he started intermittently sleeping longer spans at night on his own. I took this as a sign he was ready, and stopped feeding him between the hours of midnight and 5am(ish). The idea was to try and encourage a span of 5 hours solid sleep in the late night. If he woke up crying, rather than throwing him straight on the boob, I'd pick him up, cuddle, change diaper if necessary, rock and shush to sleep and then put him down. About 99.9% of the time he went back to bed. Within a week he just stopped waking  between those times, and he still doesn't wake unless he's having a growth spurt in which case it's booby time 24/7.

The final (ongoing) step is learning that Mom and Dad don't like waking up before 7am.

TOO EARLY BABY.

Baby has consistently kept a 4am feed, and it's been touch-and-go as to whether he'll go back to sleep until 7am. My tactic, because I'm literally too bagged to do anything else, is to lie in bed with my arm draped over the crib and hold his hand.

The hand holding works... eventually he passes out. Sometimes he'll wake up if I even slightly removed the hand, so in the beginning I'd literally held  his hand for two hours straight until it was time to get up and I could finally move my cold, numb limb. 

It took just over a week, but now I can just leave him alone to kick around for a bit and he'll go back to sleep on his own 90% of the time until 7am when he wakes up happy, kicking and smiling. 

Of course there are many babies that don't sleep through the night, and this is just fine. I have friends who travel a lot, and/ or keep late night hours themselves so late night awake time isn't a big deal. It just depends on what works for you. For me, I'm a much happier person with eight hours of sleep, and so (apparently) is my baby.

DAY TIME

Day time naps have been tough for both of us.

Baby would only ever sleep on me, or in the baby carrier. For the first 3 months this worked. After 3 months,  I just plain wanted some time to myself. He was also getting too big to settle comfortably on me or in the carrier for any length of time. This made for a cranky, overtired baby, so I decided  to start teaching him to sleep in the crib for at least 2 naps a day.

It went something like this:

• Baby starts getting ratty.

• Christina breastfeeds him in the bedroom in the dark.

• Baby guzzles down one boob and passes out.

• Christina motions to lift him up.

• As soon as Christina breathes, baby wakes up and starts screaming.

• Christina promptly shoves the other boob in his mouth.

• Baby guzzles second boob and passes out.

• Christina motions to lift him up.

• Baby stays asleep. Sweet!

• Christina holds her breath for 10 minutes while baby burps and fusses and drools on her shoulder.

• Baby stays alseep.

• Christina very carefully moves baby into the crib.

• As soon as he hits the mattress, baby wakes up and starts screaming.

• Christina spends the next half an hour shushing/ patting/ hand holding/ picking up/ putting down before she finally gives up and throws him in the carrier.

• Baby promptly passes out and sleeps, waking up crabby about half an hour later.
  

When I asked my Mom for advice on how to break this exhausting cycle, she responded by saying she wanted to do some research because her experience was a little outdated. After doing aforementioned research, her response was:

"Jesus Christ there's a hell of a lot of information on baby sleep out there."

Yup.

Here are the books I read:

The Happiest Baby on The Block

On Becoming Baby Wise

The No Cry Sleep Solution

The No Cry Nap Solution

The Baby Sleep Book

The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight

My advice after reading all these books? Do not read all these books. They will confuse and depress you. Unless you want to be a drill sergeant, and are happy to leave your baby to cry for long periods of time, most of these won't work for you anyway. 

Why? 

Because every baby and every family are different. You've got to trust your gut and do what works for you.

My Mom gave me good advice. Pick a flexible schedule and stick to it. So that's what I did and it worked. A little structure went a long way.

Naps are always 2 hours (ish) after waking, around 9am and 130pm in the crib for at least an hour, and a shorter catnap wherever between 4-5pm before bed at 7pm.

It took baby less than a week to get it. I started putting him down after a feed and he'd basically just cry. I'd stay consistent, comfort him, put him back down again and again and eventually he went to sleep! 

At first he'd always wake up after half an hour-- the length of his sleep cycle. To help him sleep longer I would creep into the room at the 25 minute mark and watch him. When he inevitable jolted, I held his hand quickly, or put my hand on his chest. It didn't always work, but about 80% of the time he went back to sleep. 

This is where we are right now. Some days he naps 2 hours without a peep. Somedays he'll nap 30 minutes and no matter what I do he won't go back to sleep. I meet him where he's at, but stick to our routine. If he only slept 30 minutes in the morning, he'll definitely be crabby by the time 130pm rolls around, but we just get on with our day.

What I'm finding is that he now knows what to expect, and he finds it comforting. He's happier when he's awake, and even more remarkably, he falls asleep with minimal fuss day and night.

I'm still an avid baby carrier. His evening catnaps are usually on me. If we have fun stuff to do during the day, I'll switch things up and let him snooze in the carrier for half an hour, and give him a longer nap later in the day in his crib, although to be honest he never sleeps as well when I do this.

An important aside is that if you're going to teach your baby to sleep, you're going to have to get comfortable with some crying. I know many Moms that think this is not OK. They believe that if a baby is going to form a healthy attachment to it's parent, it shouldn't be left to cry. On the other side of the argument, many believe that controlled crying is the only way to teach a baby to soothe itself, which in the end is going to make it happier and more independent.

My thoughts lie somewhere in the middle. The most I can comfortably let my baby cry is 5 minutes. That's just me.

Interestingly enough he will often settle himself given a bit of time. If he cries for longer than 5 minutes, I go into the room and hold his hand, or put my hand on his chest until he settles. If this takes more than 5 minutes, or if he starts REALLY crying rather than fussing I'll pick him up. At this point he never goes back to sleep, so as I said we just get on with our day and he'll be extra tired for his next nap.

No big deal.

AS OF TODAY

We're in our 4 months wakeful period now, so everything sleepwise has gone to shit. Baby has added an extra few wakings in the night, and naps are out the window but hey ho! 

During physical and cognitive growth spurts it's REALLY important to be flexible, give your baby extra kisses and cuddles, and nurse it as much as possible for a few weeks until it settles in to its new mind and body. 

In a few weeks I'll gently reintroduce 'the routine' for napping and cut the night time feeds again. Eventually when he's ready we'll stretch the awake time between morning and afternoon naps and he'll drop the evening cat nap.

The best baby sleep site I've found thus far is this one:

http://www.thealphaparent.com/2013/01/timeline-of-baby-and-toddler-sleep.html

I like it not because it gives you handy schedules to have your baby sleeping 12 hours through the night by 12 weeks, but because it very logically breaks down where most babies are at developmentally at key stages, and allows you to form realistic goals for your little one based on his/ her age.

Another interesting read is this book:

http://www.amazon.ca/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Again, it doesn't offer any 'sleep solutions' but it does explain (very scientifically) exactly what is happening in your babies brain as it grows, and in turn what your baby is and isn't capable of.

The bottom line is that all things considered, it's a miracle babies sleep at all. So when you're pulling your hair out because it's 3am and your baby is ready to PARTY, just remember that your little dude/ dudette is doing just fine.  Stay consistent and eventually they will get it.

We're all heroes on this journey, especially the little people.