Babies Are Useless- A Survival Guide

5 Weeks

I'm not going to lie to you.

Babies are useless.

They can't see. They can't move around or feed themselves.  They can't calm themselves. They can't even put themselves to sleep. Their nervous and digestive systems are wholly unprepared for the demands of the outside world.  They need at least 3 more months in utero to develop properly, but the problem is that human brains -- and therefore human heads-- are so big that they wouldn't be able to squeeze out of their mother's pelvis if they were born any later. So out they must come at 9 months, ready or not, our little bundles of joy-- fetuses in baby's clothing.

What does this mean for us newbie first time moms? Well, for me it means that thus far my son has been TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. And who can blame him? He's spent 40 weeks in the womb having his every need attended to. He never knew hunger, was always rocked, and could always hear mama’s heartbeat. Now he has to suck milk out of a scary pink nipple and hang out all day and night with a tired looking woman who needs a haircut.

But take heart newbie moms! I've thrown together a survival guide that have made the past 5 weeks of mayhem bearable, dare I say even enjoyable. And remember, this is a short and precious period. No matter how chaotic and crazy your days and nights have become, it won't last forever.

So...

WHATEVER YOU DO:

1) Strap It On.
There is a reason why your baby screams bloody murder every time you try to put him in a crib, by himself, on his back, in a room down the hall. This is the most unnatural state imaginable for a newborn. Sure it may be inconvenient to lug my baby around like a sack of potatoes all day, but he's sure happier when I do. I have two baby carriers that are worth their weight in gold, a Beco Gemini and a Buddha Baby wrap. Not only do they allow me to walk around 'hands free' and do exciting things like brush my teeth during the day, they also calm my baby down by making him feel all snug and safe, just like he's in the womb. 

2) Slap On Some Nipple Butter.
Or as my husband likes to call it, "Titty Cream". Your boobs will be ravaged if you're breastfeeding. A buddy of mine gave me a jar of this stuff and my nipples are in fine shape. Thanks Lyndsey! My sweet titties salute you.

3) Feed Your Baby Biogaia.
At about 2 weeks my baby started behaving like this guy: 

Nothing I could do would help. My midwife recommended probiotic drops to help balance out his intestinal flora and chill out his digestive system. It's made a huge difference. At $35 a pop it is very expensive but worth every penny. Here's some recent research explaining why it works. Get some!

4) Buy a Crib That Rocks.
And by rock I don't mean in the John Bonham way, I mean in the sway-back-and-forth kind of way. I ordered this crib online. We keep in next to my side of the bed so that when baby fusses at night, all I have to do is reach a lazy hand over and and give the crib a push, and voila! He's lulled back to sleep.

5) Get a Breastfeeding App.
It's important to keep track of which boob you feed on to make sure you don't end up with lopsided Frankentits. There are shitloads of breastfeeding apps available for i-phones. As I haven't known what day or time it is since Jonah was born, the app helps me keep track, not only of which side I fed on, but also how long baby fed and at what time. It also keeps track of naptimes and diaper changes. Exciting stuff I know.

6) Use the 5 S's.
This smart guy Dr Karp has figured out 5 ways to calm your devil babies down by imitating conditions in the womb:

    • Swaddling: Tight swaddling provides the continuous touching and support your baby is used to experiencing within the womb.

    • Side/stomach position: The infant is placed on their left side to assist in digestion, or on their stomach to provide reassuring support.

    • Shushing sounds: These imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.

    • Swinging: Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the gravity driven world of the outside is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea.

    • Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural chemicals within the brain.” 

His book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" goes into more detail. While I don't agree with everything he says, a couple of Dr Karp's techniques sure helped us get through some crazy nights.  

7) Exercise.

Health permitting, exercise postpartum can help wrangle in your raging hormones, help you feel a little less like a blob of tired milk laden jello, and fend off the baby blues. You don't need to go crazy-- all I did was walk and yoga almost every day. I felt great in no time, despite feeling like I'd run a triathlon and been hit by a truck simultaneously in the first few days after giving birth.

8) Laugh.

Trying to calm a screaming baby can make you want to flush your head down the toilet, but don't loose your sense of humour! The second night we had our baby he projectile vomited into my husband's mouth. Last night I woke my husband up with an impressive stream of breast milk in the eye. If you don't laugh about these things, you'll cry. Baby does enough of that for everyone so we might as well keep laughing, right?

9) Get the Hell Away From Your Baby.

It's OK to want to get the hell away from your baby. It doesn't mean you love it, it just means that there is more to life than baby gazing, diaper changing, and breastfeeding. I'm not afraid to say that once the initial rush of childbirth wore off (sometime around 2-3 weeks) I felt trapped and a wee bit resentful. After talking to other moms, I found out this was normal. Sometimes the best thing you can do is get out for a few hours. Go do some yoga. Get a massage. Drink a pint of beer. Talk to your single, childless girlfriends about the latest guy they boned. All of these things made coming home to baby all the more magic. I mean look at this guy:

#likeaboss

Seriously!

 

10) Keep the Faith.

As much as it feels like you're screwing up your baby most days, and that you're the most useless mother in the word, you're not. Women have been raising babies for a very, very long time without the help of swings, carriers, Dr Karps, or rocking cribs and the human race has procreated just fine. You know exactly what you're doing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And no matter how many nights you stay up rocking and shushing your wild boobie-bear to sleep, rest assured that there is a real human being in there waiting for you to show it the ways of the world. Birth is a difficult transition for everyone, especially baby. Understanding this helped me have all the more empathy for my little dude's erratic and exhausting behavior. 

Finally I'd like to share that my baby smiled at me for the first time today. It was a real, honest-to-goodness happy to see me smile. It was the first time I've seen the person behind the wild animal, if that makes sense. Babies are so floppy, and screamy, and drooly, and... well.. useless that it's easy for forget that there's a real human being behind those puffy eyes. It made me glad that I've survived the past month (which, indecently, many moms tell me is the most difficult month there is)and also real excited to get to know the person behind the boobie-bear. He's in there! He has the handsomest smile I've ever seen.

So feel free to share your newborn tips and tricks in the comments section below. We need all the help we can get...

I Am Boob

2 Weeks Old

Yep, it's been a few weeks since I wrote anything because I had a baby. That's right! Jonah Frank arrived December 16th, 8lbs 2oz. Here he is...

I know everyone is expecting a birth story, but instead of regaling you with the gory details I'm going to tell you the shit I wish people had told me, not just about labour but also about the weeks to follow because man-o-man it was nothing like I expected.

1) It Hurts So Good

I had a midwife assisted home birth so I did not have access to the bevvy of pain control medication available at conventional hospitals. I had a heating pad, a TENS Machine, and my own brute stubbornness. That's it.

And let me tell you... it totally sucked.

I say this not to scare anyone, or to make myself seem enviably tough. I say this because no one told me how much the pain really sucked. People said it hurt, or didn't say much at all, but no-one ever told me that it would hurt in the same way forcing a large, hard grapefruit through my perineum for 36 hours would hurt. And I wish someone had told me. Why? Because while it hurt like hell, the pain was totally normal, and more to the point-- the most important point of all-- totally doable. 

Labour hurts. Even with an epidural it can still hurt. It has to, because in order for the cervix to open and the baby to get pushed through the pelvis the muscles need to contract. This was the biggest headfuck of all: on one hand I wanted the pain to stop, but if the pain stopped my labour would cease to progress. So (with the gentle encouragement of my doula) I had to embrace the pain to keep things moving, will it to be so like some sadomasochistic wild women, and most importantly, trust that I could handle it.

And this, friends, is the most notable detail of all because as much as childbirth was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, I did it. And if I can do it, anyone can do it. Trust me.

So am I glad I squeezed my baby out the old fashioned way? 

Yes. 

While it was the most difficult thing I have ever done, it's also the most amazing and empowering thing I have ever done. The pleasure and awe I felt when the midwife passed my baby through my legs was unparalleled, and absolutely made the previous 36 hours worth every sucky second. I have never felt so alive and complete. I gave birth the way I wanted to on all fours in my own bed. I listened to the music I wanted to when I wanted to. I lit candles. I ate and drank when I wanted to. I took it one vagina splitting contraction at a time. I breathed, I moaned, and I repeated the same mantras over and over again...

I can do this.

I got this.

Oooooopen open open open open open...

So would I want to do it again?

Hell no.

If there is a next time, I'm getting a surrogate.

3) Patience is a Virtue

Did I mention my labour lasted thity six hours. THIRTY SIX HOURS. After twelve hours the midwife arrived to check my cervix only to tell me I was one centimeter dilated. You need to be ten centimeters dilated to deliver your baby. My words exactly:

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Labour can take some time ladies. Not for everyone, but for most women the body (and I'd argue spirit) needs time to open naturally and there 'aint shit you can do to hurry it up without pharmaceutical intervention, and even with pharmaceutical intervention it can still take a long time.

I really really wish someone had told me this because I seriously thought there was something wrong. If I knew my baby could take another day and a half to arrive, I would have popped that Gravol and Tylenol and tried to get some sleep, which indecently is OK in early labour, especially if you need some rest.

2)  The Cheering Squad

For God-sakes if you're going to have a baby, do yourself a favour and get a good doula and an experienced midwife. An amazing husband/ partner is also an asset if you're lucky enough to have one hanging around.

My cheering squad mopped my brow. They brought me buckets to puke in. My doula slept beside me on the floor on a rug (yes a rug!) as I groaned for endless hours on the couch. She sent my husband to bed when he was passing out on my yoga ball. She brought me cucumbers, and peanut butter on toast in bed after Jonah was born. 

Most importantly, when I wanted to give up (which was frequently) my cheering squad told me again and again that I could do this, and they really believed it. Eventually I started to believe it too.

3) Push it... Push it Real Good!

Every woman's experience is different, but I was most anxious about the final phase of labour: pushing.

I know women who have had two dozen stitches after episiotomies, who spent close to six hours pushing only to have forcep or suction interventions (and subsequent tearing) because the baby became distressed. I also couldn't mentally picture how something as big as a baby could fit out of something as small and dainty as my vagina, so you can understand my anxiety.

To my pleasant surprise, the pushing was the best part of labour. After thirty five and a half hours of  having no choice but to 'deal' with my contractions, I could finally do something about it. I was ready to party. 

I told my midwife I was afraid to tear. She held a warm cloth on my perineum and we took our time-- we eased the baby's head out little by little, and then I relaxed to gently stretch my skin. This was surprising easy to do with control because I was stone cold sober and could feel every inch my baby moved. Pretty cool!

I thought of an anecdote my friend told me about a woman's vagina's ability to stretch. She said that if a man's penis can stretch from one inch to eight (or more... ahem!) when he had an erection, why can't a woman's vagina do the same? Sound thinking I say! 

So I pushed and relaxed and visualized myself getting HUGE, and in half an hour Jonah slid out like a slippery fish. It honestly didn't hurt that much at all.

So if, like me, you're anxious... be not afraid! One way or the other baby will come out, and if like me you need a stitch afterwards you won't feel a damn thing. You'll be so high on baby love you won't give a shit what's going on down there.

So push it! Push it real good!

4) I Am Boob

Breastfeeding is a full time job. Seriously. It's exhausting. Jonah fed every one and a half to two hours for the first few weeks. Now he averages every two to three hours, give or take a few cluster feeds here and there. I walk around the house with my  boob hanging out because it just doesn't seem worth the effort to put it away. 

My husband is delighted, but I get tired and cranky and feel like milk truck most days. I totally get why some moms choose to formula feed. Although I never would, I will no longer pass judgement on those that do. Breastfeeding is tough work, but wholly worth it for the benefits to you and your baby if you can stick it out.

ALSO did you know that boob juice is good for more than just baby food? You can put it in our baby's eyes if they have blocked tear ducts, rub it on dry peeling skin, cradle cap or diaper rash. For adults it can help heal sunburns, wounds, cold sores... who knew!? 

5) Sleep is for the Weak

Babies are extremely loud sleepers. Mine sounds like a pterodactyl most nights. Nobody told me this would be the case, and I spent a good part of two weeks thinking he was dying. Between him and my husband's snoring, and waking up every 2 or so hours to feed, sleep has become a hot commodity in my life. My advice? Suck it up. Sleep is for the weak. At least this is what I tell myself when I do ridiculous things like put alfalfa sprouts in the freezer. It helps.

Of course it also helps to look after yourself and look after your partner. Some women drag their partners through the trenches to wake at every feeding and diaper change. I've decided to make sure my husband rests as much as possible at night. This means that at least one of us can get some shut eye, and has the added benefit of making him feel guilty so that he'll do anything I ask without complaining. 

It also means that when I'm at my wits end, he at least feels human enough to support me rather than breaking down with fatigue himself as I've seen many battle weary dads do.

Sleep will happen eventually. In the meantime I'm glad I spent much of my misspent youth keeping odd hours of the night. If you approach nursing your snorting infant to life with the same enthusiasm as partying until dawn, babies are non-stop good times.

I am Boob!