5 Weeks
I'm not going to lie to you.
Babies are useless.
They can't see. They can't move around or feed themselves. They can't calm themselves. They can't even put themselves to sleep. Their nervous and digestive systems are wholly unprepared for the demands of the outside world. They need at least 3 more months in utero to develop properly, but the problem is that human brains -- and therefore human heads-- are so big that they wouldn't be able to squeeze out of their mother's pelvis if they were born any later. So out they must come at 9 months, ready or not, our little bundles of joy-- fetuses in baby's clothing.
What does this mean for us newbie first time moms? Well, for me it means that thus far my son has been TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. And who can blame him? He's spent 40 weeks in the womb having his every need attended to. He never knew hunger, was always rocked, and could always hear mama’s heartbeat. Now he has to suck milk out of a scary pink nipple and hang out all day and night with a tired looking woman who needs a haircut.
But take heart newbie moms! I've thrown together a survival guide that have made the past 5 weeks of mayhem bearable, dare I say even enjoyable. And remember, this is a short and precious period. No matter how chaotic and crazy your days and nights have become, it won't last forever.
So...
WHATEVER YOU DO:
1) Strap It On.
There is a reason why your baby screams bloody murder every time you try to put him in a crib, by himself, on his back, in a room down the hall. This is the most unnatural state imaginable for a newborn. Sure it may be inconvenient to lug my baby around like a sack of potatoes all day, but he's sure happier when I do. I have two baby carriers that are worth their weight in gold, a Beco Gemini and a Buddha Baby wrap. Not only do they allow me to walk around 'hands free' and do exciting things like brush my teeth during the day, they also calm my baby down by making him feel all snug and safe, just like he's in the womb.
2) Slap On Some Nipple Butter.
Or as my husband likes to call it, "Titty Cream". Your boobs will be ravaged if you're breastfeeding. A buddy of mine gave me a jar of this stuff and my nipples are in fine shape. Thanks Lyndsey! My sweet titties salute you.
3) Feed Your Baby Biogaia.
At about 2 weeks my baby started behaving like this guy:
I'm not going to lie to you.
Babies are useless.
They can't see. They can't move around or feed themselves. They can't calm themselves. They can't even put themselves to sleep. Their nervous and digestive systems are wholly unprepared for the demands of the outside world. They need at least 3 more months in utero to develop properly, but the problem is that human brains -- and therefore human heads-- are so big that they wouldn't be able to squeeze out of their mother's pelvis if they were born any later. So out they must come at 9 months, ready or not, our little bundles of joy-- fetuses in baby's clothing.
What does this mean for us newbie first time moms? Well, for me it means that thus far my son has been TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. And who can blame him? He's spent 40 weeks in the womb having his every need attended to. He never knew hunger, was always rocked, and could always hear mama’s heartbeat. Now he has to suck milk out of a scary pink nipple and hang out all day and night with a tired looking woman who needs a haircut.
But take heart newbie moms! I've thrown together a survival guide that have made the past 5 weeks of mayhem bearable, dare I say even enjoyable. And remember, this is a short and precious period. No matter how chaotic and crazy your days and nights have become, it won't last forever.
So...
WHATEVER YOU DO:
1) Strap It On.
There is a reason why your baby screams bloody murder every time you try to put him in a crib, by himself, on his back, in a room down the hall. This is the most unnatural state imaginable for a newborn. Sure it may be inconvenient to lug my baby around like a sack of potatoes all day, but he's sure happier when I do. I have two baby carriers that are worth their weight in gold, a Beco Gemini and a Buddha Baby wrap. Not only do they allow me to walk around 'hands free' and do exciting things like brush my teeth during the day, they also calm my baby down by making him feel all snug and safe, just like he's in the womb.
2) Slap On Some Nipple Butter.
Or as my husband likes to call it, "Titty Cream". Your boobs will be ravaged if you're breastfeeding. A buddy of mine gave me a jar of this stuff and my nipples are in fine shape. Thanks Lyndsey! My sweet titties salute you.
3) Feed Your Baby Biogaia.
At about 2 weeks my baby started behaving like this guy:
Nothing I could do would help. My midwife recommended probiotic drops to help balance out his intestinal flora and chill out his digestive system. It's made a huge difference. At $35 a pop it is very expensive but worth every penny. Here's some recent research explaining why it works. Get some!
4) Buy a Crib That Rocks.
And by rock I don't mean in the John Bonham way, I mean in the sway-back-and-forth kind of way. I ordered this crib online. We keep in next to my side of the bed so that when baby fusses at night, all I have to do is reach a lazy hand over and and give the crib a push, and voila! He's lulled back to sleep.
5) Get a Breastfeeding App.
It's important to keep track of which boob you feed on to make sure you don't end up with lopsided Frankentits. There are shitloads of breastfeeding apps available for i-phones. As I haven't known what day or time it is since Jonah was born, the app helps me keep track, not only of which side I fed on, but also how long baby fed and at what time. It also keeps track of naptimes and diaper changes. Exciting stuff I know.
6) Use the 5 S's.
This smart guy Dr Karp has figured out 5 ways to calm your devil babies down by imitating conditions in the womb:
4) Buy a Crib That Rocks.
And by rock I don't mean in the John Bonham way, I mean in the sway-back-and-forth kind of way. I ordered this crib online. We keep in next to my side of the bed so that when baby fusses at night, all I have to do is reach a lazy hand over and and give the crib a push, and voila! He's lulled back to sleep.
5) Get a Breastfeeding App.
It's important to keep track of which boob you feed on to make sure you don't end up with lopsided Frankentits. There are shitloads of breastfeeding apps available for i-phones. As I haven't known what day or time it is since Jonah was born, the app helps me keep track, not only of which side I fed on, but also how long baby fed and at what time. It also keeps track of naptimes and diaper changes. Exciting stuff I know.
6) Use the 5 S's.
This smart guy Dr Karp has figured out 5 ways to calm your devil babies down by imitating conditions in the womb:
• Swaddling: Tight swaddling provides the continuous touching and support your baby is used to experiencing within the womb.
• Side/stomach position: The infant is placed on their left side to assist in digestion, or on their stomach to provide reassuring support.
• Shushing sounds: These imitate the continual whooshing sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.
• Swinging: Newborns are used to the swinging motions within their mother’s womb, so entering the gravity driven world of the outside is like a sailor adapting to land after nine months at sea.
• Sucking: “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,” notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural chemicals within the brain.”
His book "The Happiest Baby on the Block" goes into more detail. While I don't agree with everything he says, a couple of Dr Karp's techniques sure helped us get through some crazy nights.
7) Exercise.
Health permitting, exercise postpartum can help wrangle in your raging hormones, help you feel a little less like a blob of tired milk laden jello, and fend off the baby blues. You don't need to go crazy-- all I did was walk and yoga almost every day. I felt great in no time, despite feeling like I'd run a triathlon and been hit by a truck simultaneously in the first few days after giving birth.
8) Laugh.
Trying to calm a screaming baby can make you want to flush your head down the toilet, but don't loose your sense of humour! The second night we had our baby he projectile vomited into my husband's mouth. Last night I woke my husband up with an impressive stream of breast milk in the eye. If you don't laugh about these things, you'll cry. Baby does enough of that for everyone so we might as well keep laughing, right?
9) Get the Hell Away From Your Baby.
It's OK to want to get the hell away from your baby. It doesn't mean you love it, it just means that there is more to life than baby gazing, diaper changing, and breastfeeding. I'm not afraid to say that once the initial rush of childbirth wore off (sometime around 2-3 weeks) I felt trapped and a wee bit resentful. After talking to other moms, I found out this was normal. Sometimes the best thing you can do is get out for a few hours. Go do some yoga. Get a massage. Drink a pint of beer. Talk to your single, childless girlfriends about the latest guy they boned. All of these things made coming home to baby all the more magic. I mean look at this guy:
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| #likeaboss |
Seriously!
10) Keep the Faith.
As much as it feels like you're screwing up your baby most days, and that you're the most useless mother in the word, you're not. Women have been raising babies for a very, very long time without the help of swings, carriers, Dr Karps, or rocking cribs and the human race has procreated just fine. You know exactly what you're doing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And no matter how many nights you stay up rocking and shushing your wild boobie-bear to sleep, rest assured that there is a real human being in there waiting for you to show it the ways of the world. Birth is a difficult transition for everyone, especially baby. Understanding this helped me have all the more empathy for my little dude's erratic and exhausting behavior.
Finally I'd like to share that my baby smiled at me for the first time today. It was a real, honest-to-goodness happy to see me smile. It was the first time I've seen the person behind the wild animal, if that makes sense. Babies are so floppy, and screamy, and drooly, and... well.. useless that it's easy for forget that there's a real human being behind those puffy eyes. It made me glad that I've survived the past month (which, indecently, many moms tell me is the most difficult month there is)and also real excited to get to know the person behind the boobie-bear. He's in there! He has the handsomest smile I've ever seen.
So feel free to share your newborn tips and tricks in the comments section below. We need all the help we can get...
Finally I'd like to share that my baby smiled at me for the first time today. It was a real, honest-to-goodness happy to see me smile. It was the first time I've seen the person behind the wild animal, if that makes sense. Babies are so floppy, and screamy, and drooly, and... well.. useless that it's easy for forget that there's a real human being behind those puffy eyes. It made me glad that I've survived the past month (which, indecently, many moms tell me is the most difficult month there is)and also real excited to get to know the person behind the boobie-bear. He's in there! He has the handsomest smile I've ever seen.
So feel free to share your newborn tips and tricks in the comments section below. We need all the help we can get...
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